- Article by Gayle Hilligoss
Ed. note: There is so much in this article that would make all of our relationships much more loving and pleasing to our Lord because if we don't take the time to really listen to someone, how do we know if we are meeting their real needs or concerns? Read and pray for the patience to practice the suggestions.
In 1979 the Sperry Corporation became interested in listening when looking for an advertising campaign theme. During their research Sperry discovered their employees believed the company’s distinguishing trait was its willingness to listen. Before starting a campaign based on this theme, Sperry wanted to make sure they really were good listeners.
Incidentally, isn’t that a good idea? Have you ever visited a church whose motto is something like “The Friendliest Church in Town” and not received even one friendly greeting? Mottos do need to be authentic.
Wisely, Sperry sought out Dr. Lyman Steil, a former faculty member of the speech communication division of the University of Minnesota. Dr. Steil’s findings sparked new interest in this vital communication skill and provided some solid listening guidelines that hold true even today.
Here are ten techniques based on his research that you can begin to use right away to double and even triple the effectiveness of your listening.
• Identify the speaker’s purpose. What is he trying to communicate? What is being said you can use? How does the message relate to what you already know?
You know the speaker’s purpose before some meetings or seminars. Get in the flow by doing preliminary research. For instance, before a calendar planning meeting go over agendas, note upcoming projects, and be ready to process new information.
Unless you focus on the purpose of the message you may miss the point altogether.
More than 15,000 people heard Abraham Lincoln deliver the Gettysburg Address. Most didn’t even applaud. Because they missed Lincoln’s purpose, they didn’t realize they had heard one of the great speeches of all time. The speaker wasn’t at fault, but the listeners.
• Listen for ideas as well as facts. “I’m feeling discouraged about our young people” may mean far more than that. Perhaps the speaker is unhappy with the youth minister; perhaps she is concerned with the amount of money budgeted for youth work; perhaps she is having difficulty with her own youngster.
The person who comes in to share a problem seldom starts the conversation with the real problem. Never make assumptions; listen between the lines.
• Note key words and ideas to review later. Messages and instructions are more likely to be handled correctly when you write them down as received. Practice making concise notes. If you try to write every word, you will miss much of what is being said.
• Tune out distractions. A ringing phone, an uncomfortable chair, a chilly room—all can distract you from listening. Or you may be too rushed, hungry, preoccupied, emotional, or ill to feel like being a listener. Overcome distractions by focusing your total concentration on the speaker.
• Make eye contact. Looking at someone indicates your interest. Whether you agree comes later, but do pay visual attention to the speaker. What the eyes say constitutes a significant part of the message.
On the phone see the speaker in your mind’s eye. Visualization makes the conversation more personal and helps fix your attention.
• Be responsive. Your main role as a listener is to be attentive and to make it easy for the person speaking to you to get his message across.
Be careful not to close the door on those who need a listening ear. Never discount people’s feelings with stock phrases or simplistic advice such as, “Oh, it can’t be that terrible,” or, “Just relax. You’ll feel better tomorrow.”
In his book People Skills, Robert Bolton suggests what he calls door openers to initiate conversations with those who you feel may want to talk with you:
First, a description of the other person’s body language: “You’re looking a little down today.”
Second, an invitation to talk: “Want to talk about it?”
Third, silence. Give the person a reasonable amount of time to decide if to talk and what to say.
And fourth, attending. Eye contact and a posture of involvement demonstrates your interest and concern.
All four parts are not necessarily present in every door opener. Sometimes a simple, “Let’s hear about it” is sufficient. To draw someone out, ask questions that cannot be answered with just a yes or no. But never be pushy; open the door but don’t barge in.
Be careful not to nod your head at something you don’t understand. Ask the speaker to explain, or say, “Tell me more about that.” When you hear unpopular ideas or feel criticized it can be hard to be responsive, but even if you don’t agree with the speaker you can establish rapport. Ask questions and search for points of agreement. If you listen only to those with whom you agree, you never grow.
• Use your thought time wisely. I speak at the speed of approximately 175 words a minute—but you listen four times faster! To be an active listener, direct your thought time to the topic at hand. Recall what you already know. Summarize how each new point builds on what has gone before. In dialogues you might rephrase the information by saying, “What I’m hearing is...” or “Let me be sure I understand.”
In a private conversation, resist using thought time to formulate advice. In The Miracle of Dialogue Reuel Howe writes, “The purpose of communication is not to give our answers to people’s questions. When we’ve been asked, ‘What would you do if you were in my place?’ we often comment later, ‘I didn’t know what to tell him.’ Implicit in that response is the assumption that we should have known and told the inquirer what he should do.”
Howe goes on to explain that the responsibility of the listener is simply to listen, not to take on the problems of others. In fact, we should not rob others of the joy of acquiring their own insight and answers. He writes, “There is no reason at all why we should provide people with answers to their questions, although the temptation to do so is great. The giving of answers to problems is a thankless task. If the answer given turns out to be wrong, they will resent both the answer and the one who gives it; and if it turns out to be right, they may also be resentful because they did not think of it.”
The best solution is to provide essential information when you can, but to allow others to formulate their own answers.
• Avoid being judgmental, critical, or argumentative. Give people a fair opportunity to be heard even if you don’t like how they look or how they sound, even if you do not appreciate their attitude or personality or point of view.
Obviously you will evaluate what you hear and see; being willing to listen does not mean you aren’t entitled to your own convictions. But give people the benefit of the doubt. Look for points of agreement, not for points with which to take issue.
Accept comments in the context of the full message, rather than zeroing in on a red flag issue and finding fault. There are few statements that absolutely could not be argued if one wants to pick them apart.
Generally the person speaking counts on your good judgment and trusts you will withhold rebuttal until you have heard the full story. Be sure not to tune out because you think you already know what is going to be said. The ancient Greeks taught that it is impossible for a person to learn what he thinks he already knows.
• Watch for non-verbals. Listen with your eyes as well as ears; communication is far more than words. Be aware that people cannot not communicate; their very appearance sends messages.
Words spoken comprise only about 7 percent of communication. Thirty-eight percent of the message comes from tone of voice, pitch, volume, rate of speech, and mannerisms like nervous laughter or clearing the throat. Over half of the message—55 percent—is non-verbal: appearance, posture, eye movement, gestures, and facial expression.
The eighty muscles of the face are capable of making more than 7000 expressions. When there is conflict between words and facial expression, the non-verbal message is far more likely to be accurate. As you listen, observe.
• Fix the flaws and practice. To become proficient in any skill, discover the better way and repeat it often. Regularly listen to difficult or unfamiliar material that challenges your mental capacities. Sharpen your listening talent with tests and exercises.
This simple experiment demonstrates how, depending on how the words are spoken, can have widely different meanings. Choose a sentence and repeat it several times, each time putting the emphasis on a different word. For example, use the sentence, “I didn’t say she took the money” and see how many shades of meaning you can project. Practicing will help you hear the subtle distinctions in the voices of others.
Listening is a skill much like others we acquire; there is always room to grow better. Work on your listening skills at work, at home, at church, and in social situations. You will notice a positive difference in the way you listen to others and in how they listen and respond to you. Practice makes perfect!
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Series of the Three Articles on Be a Better Listener by Gayle Hilligoss
Click on any of the links to go to the article:
Be a better listener, part one: Mastering the Most Overlooked Communication Skill by Gayle Hilligoss
Be a better listener, part two: AIM, the three significant aspects of listening by Gayle Hilligoss
Be a better listener, part three: Ten techniques you can start to use now by Gayle Hilligoss
Please share your thoughts, comments, questions!